The Style Invitational Week 920 A turn of phrases
By Pat Myers, Friday, May 20, 10:40 AM
The Empress received an
urgent communique recently from official Washington Post fart joke writer Gene
Weingarten, noting that “Greeks bearing gifts” means the same, in the original
context, as “gifts bearing Greeks.” He went on to say essentially that he had
just made the wittiest observation in human history.
At least it inspired us to
redo the chiasmus contest we last did in 1999. This week: Write an original chiasmus, a witticism in which the
elements of a phrase are inverted for comedic effect. Your line may include
both the original and inverted terms, or just one if the other is obvious. You
may also use homophones of the original, e.g., “chaste/chased,” and transpose
the beginnings of the words spoonerism-style, as in “icked weevildoer,” as Bill
Strauss of the Capitol Steps described Osama bin Laden. Your chiasmus can be
either a sentence or the answer to a riddle-style question you give.
(Gene was so excited by this
contest that he’s been given permission by Post management to enter it, and
future Invite contests, under various pseudonyms — with two conditions: that he
can’t get a prize if he gets ink, and that, just before press time, after the
Empress has chosen the winners, he reveal the pseudonym, and she’ll note that
to readers if she had deemed his entry inkworthy in the first place.)
Winner (unless it’s Gene)
gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a
CD of rock songs done in the style of Gregorian chant, donated by perennial
prize donator Cheryl Davis.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, May
30; results published June 19 (June 17 online). Include “Week 920” in your
e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name,
postal address and phone number with your entry. Complete rules at
washingtonpost.com/ styleinvitational. The revised title for next week’s
results is by Kevin Dopart, as is this week’s honorable-mentions subhead.
Report from Week 916, our recurring “Mess With Our Heads” contest in which we asked you to
reinterpret a headline on a Washington Post story or ad by adding your own
“bank head,” or subtitle:
The winner of the Inker:
Real headline: Top architect,
once rooted in the sky, comes down to Earth
Bank head: Almighty Creator
opens Tysons office ‘to try My hand at condos’ (John Shea, Philadelphia)
2. Winner of the bottle of
Maybe You Touched Your Genitals hand sanitizer: In poll, most Egyptians have
unfavorable view of U.S.
Experts blame Atlantic Ocean,
Mediterranean Sea (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)
3. Install and service now!
Be cool later!
Britons promise loyalty to
Kate if she soon produces heir (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
4. Holder says he’s not going
anywhere
Kicker was wary of the ‘Lucy
trick’ (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
Lower-interest banks: Honorable mentions
Snake cuts power to thousands
of Pepco customers
CEO personally throws the
switch at ceremony kicking off thunderstorm season (John McCooey, Rehoboth
Beach, Del.)
Redskins may look to move
down
Going below last place could
be difficult (Roy Ashley, Washington) [story was about the order of draft
picks]
Few travelers on Mexico’s
‘Highway of Death’
Some believe it may have
something to do with its name (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Obama sends drones to Libya
Human rights groups decry
‘barbaric’ use of bagpipes on civilians (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Harry Reid’s high-stakes
China gamble
Senate leader to try the
pull-the-tablecloth trick at state dinner (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)
Donate your car
Leaving keys in ignition
should do the trick (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Ukraine’s Putin?
Major gas leak rumored near
Kiev (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)
Iraq urged to decide whether
to request extension for U.S. troops
Pentagon says options are
“Yes” and “Yes” (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
Eyes and ears of their bosses
No longer content with
stealing office supplies, laid-off workers take grisly trophies (Pam Sweeney,
Burlington, Mass.)
Food study says meat
pathogens are costliest
But consumers still prefer
them 2 to 1 over dairy, vegetable pathogens (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
‘Thanks for bringing him
home’
Nats fan expresses gratitude
for rare RBI (Jeff Contompasis)
Va. man allegedly leads
police on high-speed chase
State trooper claims he was
ahead the whole way (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Orange was kept waiting on a
phone call
Was at least glad they didn’t
say “banana” again (Susan Geariety, Menifee, Calif.)
Perfect antidote to April’s
showers?
Just turn away when they open
their raincoats and start showing, says police chief (John Shea)
Replace a window shutter
If your spouse keeps denying
you your fresh air, get a new one (Beverley Sharp)
Some assembly required
Tea party grudgingly
acknowledges necessity of legislative branch (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)
A soundtrack for Metro
‘Shake, Rattle and Roll’ is
opening cut (Jeff Contompasis)
Packers can’t visit Obama yet
GOP cancels moving-van order
(Elden Carnahan)
Russians slowly turning to
whiskey
Unforeseen consequence of
eating barley and sleeping in oak casks (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)
Easter Egg Roll at the White
House
New dish at state dinner
served with bunny casserole (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)
Holder says he’s not going
anywhere
‘I’ll be assisted as soon as
a customer service representative becomes available,’ man on phone states
confidently (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
You are here
. . . and here . . . and here
Graphic new Wii game is based
on “Saw” movies (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park)
No Ticket-Fixing Now,
Bloomberg Says
(a) N.Y. officials institute
30-day waiting period (Roger Hammons, North Potomac, Md.)
(b) Mayor urges McCain to
forgive himself for VP choice and move on (Gary Crockett)
‘When I close my eyes, I see
my children’
Angelina Jolie has her 6
kids’ faces tattooed onto inner eyelids (David Garratt, Glenn Dale, Md.)
As the Capitals advance, a
little housekeeping is in order
Team ordered to clean up
trail of teeth, bloody bandages (Dave Prevar)
Williams sisters draw large
crowd
Poor match attendance leads
Venus and Serena to sketch lots of little faces on backdrop (Roger Dalrymple,
Gettysburg, Pa.)
Keeping the faith
in York
(a) Candymaker
introduces mint-flavored Communion wafers (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
(b) 42 years later, die-hard
fans still upset about ‘Bewitched’ Darrin switch (Pam Sweeney)
Postal Service workers accept
buyout offers
Early-retirement packages had
been mailed in 1987 (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)
Caught in the crackdown
Senator admits low-rider
jeans were mistake (Roger Dalrymple)
30 new cell sites. And we’re
not stopping there. [Verizon ad]
White House releases
red-state Gitmo transfer plan (Kevin Dopart)
Down in the mouth
Sleep researchers describe
‘pillow-chewing syndrome’ (Gary Crockett)
Why I am suing Washington
City Paper
Redskins owner guesses:
‘Because I am a pathetic jerk?’ (Stephen Litterst, Newark, Del.)
Royal wedding watch
Conditions are capable of
producing a wedding in and around the watch area (William Stutzman,
Millersburg, Ohio)
Ducks 6, Predators 3
National Geographic resident
fowl startle tourists by fighting back (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
The battles we don’t plan for
Newlyweds shocked as pile of
dirty dishes grows (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
Improving a quarter at a time
Metro installs tip jars to
finance escalator renovations (Valerie Matthews, Ashton, Md.)
Next week: Wryku, or Ode News